Bro I thought I saw you in the garden
you know that one in front of the law building
you were sitting on the lawn with your legs crossed
and your hands joined over your knees
and it looked like you a lot
I wasn’t blinking for a minute or so.
Your clothes like the colours that you wear to class
like it’s autumn, you present yourself with a flair
but you’re careless about it and that’s what makes you cool.
Some olive jumper and light brown pants,
I couldn’t stop staring because it seemed like you a lot.
I was just having thoughts about despair
but when I saw ‘you’
I was gonna jump out the window
from where I was would’ve been at least 50m high
then I’d run to you (if I didn’t hit the pavement)
you would’ve thought I was crazy
but who’s gonna read this anyway?
I’m lonely and lashing out near the window
I feel like you were looking at me too
even though it would’ve been impossible from where you were
and where I was sitting
but it felt like it.
I thought that God put you there to cheer me up
because my mind wanted me to commit suicide like 10 times
for the last 2 hours till I saw you & I felt energy to fight it
if it was really you, I’d be giggling in glee.
If you’re here tomorrow then I could be alright
but when you leave you leave like a gangster.
It’s the tallness with which you walk
that makes me think you wouldn’t care if the building burned down
but you’re kind too
you hold the door open for the girls in class
and you look back to make sure she walks through.
More than my mean self.
Even though you seem shy
I’ve only heard you speak softly
and I think that you hate me for ignoring you that first day.
But I’m shy too.
If we were friends
I would make you laugh
because I’m a clown unlike you
and I’m not always depressed
at least when I want to be.
I’d never let you see me cry.
You laugh anyway on the lawn
with two girls and one boy.
Who nod with you and you’re in the moment with them.
I wish I could be doing more than writing to myself
because I’m the only one who will see this.
I bet you have a lot of fun
you have a life of your own
while I’m dreaming under the blue lights in my room.
I pray to God about you and
I also pray about death
because if I had to live in the city I would kill myself.
But not you.
You’re like that independent type who’s from another state
and you moved here to the education state
to be a law student, I guess.
And you sat next to me because I guess you thought I was a good stranger.
I replay that over in my head with regret.
I’m guessing you’re lodged up in some apartment here
you probably take care of yourself well
for sure, you seem more athletic than me.
Why did you have to sit next to me on the first day?
So maybe you’re alone here with no one you really know
I’ve been here for almost 20 years and I’ve lost almost everyone I’ve ever had
but that’s a crying matter concerning my ill disposition
that repels more than mosquito repellant
but you look like you can make friends and keep them.
Even my one friend at law school probably stays friends
as a formality.
But I don’t care
I care that you don’t know me, you don’t know my name!!!!!!!!!!!!
I should accept it. We’ll never be friends. But why?
I’m born to not have any friends
born to suffer
that’s my fate.
Can I tell you my name?
The more I stare at ‘you’ on the lawn your face starts to melt
like moving colours and maybe that’s all we are
and I think I can win this game
but no dice
if, when I see you again, I just imagine your features melted
because when I see you clear & close up that’s when I’ll get troubled
and my paranoia, insecurity and pain drop like a bomb
especially when you walk past me without a glance.
Well not like I’m much to look at…
You’ll be close up if you ever show up
to room 0102
because I know you don’t come to every class
but when you do,
you’ve got no idea that the girl on the edge of the row in front of you
thinks about you and has you in the back of her mind all the time.
You’re the type to get through the day with little pain
not like me, I’m stumbling, tripping, and fussing in my brain
till it hurts, till depression manifests into heart pains.
Why should you care about me?
Bro you don’t even know my name.
You glide down the stairs with grace
while I pray for Grace to mask heartache on my face
with a smile because now I’m alone.
I want to run after you and tell you my name.
The more stoic I get, the more my heart bleeds
which leads to cardiac arrest
and there is nothing big or strong enough to numb the pain.
I don’t take drugs but the music helps me drift away but not forget.
Maybe you’ve got your own problems
bro I’ve got them on every avenue
because I’m weak to everything
after years of abuse and turning on myself
I have no courage to come up to you.
I wasn’t put here to stay,
and I don’t mind if problems are all I’ll ever know,
problems drop on me like a waterfall
because you don’t know my name!!
BUT IT WAS YOU
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