You Don’t Know My Name

Bro I thought I saw you in the garden

you know that one in front of the law building 

you were sitting on the lawn with your legs crossed 

and your hands joined over your knees 

and it looked like you a lot

I wasn’t blinking for a minute or so.

Your clothes like the colours that you wear to class 

like it’s autumn, you present yourself with a flair  

but you’re careless about it and that’s what makes you cool. 

Some olive jumper and light brown pants,

I couldn’t stop staring because it seemed like you a lot.

I was just having thoughts about despair

but when I saw ‘you’ 

I was gonna jump out the window 

from where I was would’ve been at least 50m high 

then I’d run to you (if I didn’t hit the pavement)

you would’ve thought I was crazy 

but who’s gonna read this anyway? 

I’m lonely and lashing out near the window

I feel like you were looking at me too

even though it would’ve been impossible from where you were

and where I was sitting

but it felt like it.

I thought that God put you there to cheer me up

because my mind wanted me to commit suicide like 10 times 

for the last 2 hours till I saw you & I felt energy to fight it

if it was really you, I’d be giggling in glee.

If you’re here tomorrow then I could be alright

but when you leave you leave like a gangster.

It’s the tallness with which you walk 

that makes me think you wouldn’t care if the building burned down

but you’re kind too

you hold the door open for the girls in class 

and you look back to make sure she walks through. 

More than my mean self.

Even though you seem shy 

I’ve only heard you speak softly

and I think that you hate me for ignoring you that first day.

But I’m shy too.

If we were friends

I would make you laugh 

because I’m a clown unlike you

and I’m not always depressed 

at least when I want to be. 

I’d never let you see me cry.

You laugh anyway on the lawn

with two girls and one boy.

Who nod with you and you’re in the moment with them.

I wish I could be doing more than writing to myself

because I’m the only one who will see this.

I bet you have a lot of fun 

you have a life of your own 

while I’m dreaming under the blue lights in my room. 

I pray to God about you and

I also pray about death

because if I had to live in the city I would kill myself. 

But not you.

You’re like that independent type who’s from another state 

and you moved here to the education state

to be a law student, I guess.

And you sat next to me because I guess you thought I was a good stranger.

I replay that over in my head with regret.

I’m guessing you’re lodged up in some apartment here 

you probably take care of yourself well 

for sure, you seem more athletic than me.

Why did you have to sit next to me on the first day?

So maybe you’re alone here with no one you really know

I’ve been here for almost 20 years and I’ve lost almost everyone I’ve ever had

but that’s a crying matter concerning my ill disposition

that repels more than mosquito repellant

but you look like you can make friends and keep them.

Even my one friend at law school probably stays friends 

as a formality.  

But I don’t care

I care that you don’t know me, you don’t know my name!!!!!!!!!!!!

I should accept it. We’ll never be friends. But why?

I’m born to not have any friends 

born to suffer 

that’s my fate.

Can I tell you my name?

The more I stare at ‘you’ on the lawn your face starts to melt 

like moving colours and maybe that’s all we are

and I think I can win this game 

but no dice 

if, when I see you again, I just imagine your features melted

because when I see you clear & close up that’s when I’ll get troubled

and my paranoia, insecurity and pain drop like a bomb 

especially when you walk past me without a glance.

Well not like I’m much to look at…

You’ll be close up if you ever show up 

to room 0102

because I know you don’t come to every class 

but when you do,

you’ve got no idea that the girl on the edge of the row in front of you

thinks about you and has you in the back of her mind all the time.

You’re the type to get through the day with little pain

not like me, I’m stumbling, tripping, and fussing in my brain

till it hurts, till depression manifests into heart pains.

Why should you care about me? 

Bro you don’t even know my name. 

You glide down the stairs with grace 

while I pray for Grace to mask heartache on my face 

with a smile because now I’m alone. 

I want to run after you and tell you my name. 

The more stoic I get, the more my heart bleeds

which leads to cardiac arrest

and there is nothing big or strong enough to numb the pain.

I don’t take drugs but the music helps me drift away but not forget. 

Maybe you’ve got your own problems 

bro I’ve got them on every avenue 

because I’m weak to everything

after years of abuse and turning on myself

I have no courage to come up to you.

I’m resigned

I wasn’t put here to stay, 

and I don’t mind if problems are all I’ll ever know,

problems drop on me like a waterfall 

because you don’t know my name!! 

BUT IT WAS YOU

themeekarestillhere

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