It’s so obvious you don’t want to be friends with me
but you sit next to the girl with the smooth hair
the girl with the olive skin who is beautiful.
I’ve been told not to compare myself with others
but look at her & she’s not me.
Sometimes when I’m in this place
the first 15 minutes are like Shaitan is holding a knife to my throat
locked me in a chokehold
I don’t want to live
because there’s no air to breathe.
I want to die because everything comes to mind
how someone with my blood told me it would be better off
if I was dead.
I was numb when I swallowed those words.
My birthdays come and go
without a single wish
or a ‘Hello, I hope you’re alive to enjoy this day’
The flying years, I move up the digits
and get closer to the grave.
But no one actually cares about me
I don’t expect them to
but I take joy in their joy
it’s one of my only joys left.
My pain is so small
and others suffer more
so hush, we’re swimming in an ocean of pain.
And even if that isn’t true
I will never speak because I’m really broken
too broken to speak.
When I want to concentrate or be happy
or when I think I’m happy and close to God
I find myself slipping because I blew my shot
and I don’t have the guts to go up to the tall man
and tell him that I’m sorry and I wish I could make peace
so you won’t roll your eyes at me or think I’m mean
because truth will be told, I probably am mean.
But I know I’m different to you.
How much abuse do you take day by day?
And have you seen your mother’s blood on your mattress?
I was numb when I saw it and the second time I was 16
and both times I was numb that it took me a decade to realise
I was desensitised to blood being where it shouldn’t be.
Have you been wary about what you say because your worth
as a child was worth nothing?
Death is nothing to the mortal coil
and money means nothing to death
our graves get eaten by time
and your name fades into the soil.
They will walk over me one day.
My own sister laughs at me and tells me my problems are nothing
she tells me I deserve the abuse because I give it too
but where did the hate come from?
It’s in me and you say it’s not in you but you told me
you hate me
and I took it like a pill and I felt nothing when it passed my ears, entered my eyes
and swam into my heart. I swallow abuse like water
it keeps me alive because the pain isn’t all that bad
it’s the only feeling I have left except desperation
but I tell myself to hold it in, my volcano soul can take more
I won’t erupt and even if I do, I’ll take myself out.
Nobody will care when I’m gone
like I said
they’ll walk on my soil one day with pumped up kicks.
All of them dressed so well, I’m not like them!
I can’t think like them and I wish someone would put a bullet in my brain
because I feel alone, I wish my mother never had me
because it’s been all about money, all the arguments
and all the blood spilled on the glass floors and our bloodied sheets
and my blood is ice now, and you laugh at me but I can’t tell
if you’re laughing at me or with me
and if you’re at me, the whole world is at me too.
I’m with all the kids who had & have to jump through the hurdles
that I did too
the people around me saw the knife at my throat
but they pretended to help
and I saw through their fake show
I wish you never performed it to me.
After the sub-par show I used to walk home
walking alone with the stray cats howling like werewolves
and I looked at the twilight and it was golden blue
so I put Lana on, who I don’t listen to anymore,
and she said it was golden blue and I understood what that meant.
I thought God was being kind to me
because people’s faces are cruel and I see the evil behind their front.
I don’t trust them
but the skies have comforted me
the birds don’t have to worry about the petty affairs of humans.
The trauma is now fully complete and I walk around with it
it’s my second skin.
At night I read the Bible and its words nourish my soul
and Ecclesiastes is my favourite
when the wisest man said it’s all meaningless at the end
I didn’t mind how much I missed out on.
Live my own life?
That just means fighting against time.
Even if I excel brother
nobody will remember my name anyway.
So then why do we put on the show?
We live to forget
we die with regret.
After my daily portion, I have to leave and go out into the world.
The door to life is the beginning of a nightmare.
Don’t get it twisted
my intelligence is nothing, I’m a fool without God.
I’m a sage and a fool at the same time,
yes, I have my moments.
I make myself dumb because I don’t want people to think I’m more than this.
Things like that bring the evil eye
and only one is enough to bring you down.
I don’t need that when my own mind is against me.
I’d rather carry my soul and die
than be dragged down to hell because of my boasts.
I’m nothing, I’ll tell this to my daughter
I hope if I ever had a child that she will be understanding
I don’t want her to be radiant and beautiful
if her heart is dim
and I don’t want your pockets to be filled
if she’s devoid of a soul.
I want her to have the life I could’ve had
if the hurdles didn’t stumble and cripple me.
If they didn’t make me bitter and judge me
on every mistake.
I said I’d give myself up to save a life
it’s my moral obligation.
We few who understand the levels of loneliness
owe it to those who can’t find someone
who thinks like they do, like we do.
I spent so long searching for someone who held the thoughts that I did
it took so long then because I wouldn’t give up or compromise
and soil myself in the sinful web of the world.
I’m still searching,
I haven’t found anyone yet but I fantasise.
I dream about that person with my philosophy
but maybe they have all passed me by.
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