I wish I could say this

It’s so obvious you don’t want to be friends with me 

but you sit next to the girl with the smooth hair

the girl with the olive skin who is beautiful.

I’ve been told not to compare myself with others

but look at her & she’s not me. 

Sometimes when I’m in this place 

the first 15 minutes are like Shaitan is holding a knife to my throat

locked me in a chokehold

I don’t want to live

because there’s no air to breathe.

I want to die because everything comes to mind

how someone with my blood told me it would be better off

if I was dead.

I was numb when I swallowed those words.

My birthdays come and go 

without a single wish 

or a ‘Hello, I hope you’re alive to enjoy this day’ 

The flying years, I move up the digits 

and get closer to the grave. 

But no one actually cares about me 

I don’t expect them to 

but I take joy in their joy

it’s one of my only joys left. 

My pain is so small

and others suffer more

so hush, we’re swimming in an ocean of pain. 

And even if that isn’t true

I will never speak because I’m really broken 

too broken to speak.

When I want to concentrate or be happy 

or when I think I’m happy and close to God 

I find myself slipping because I blew my shot 

and I don’t have the guts to go up to the tall man 

and tell him that I’m sorry and I wish I could make peace 

so you won’t roll your eyes at me or think I’m mean

because truth will be told, I probably am mean.

But I know I’m different to you.

How much abuse do you take day by day?

And have you seen your mother’s blood on your mattress?

I was numb when I saw it and the second time I was 16 

and both times I was numb that it took me a decade to realise

I was desensitised to blood being where it shouldn’t be.  

Have you been wary about what you say because your worth 

as a child was worth nothing? 

Death is nothing to the mortal coil 

and money means nothing to death 

our graves get eaten by time 

and your name fades into the soil. 

They will walk over me one day. 

My own sister laughs at me and tells me my problems are nothing

she tells me I deserve the abuse because I give it too 

but where did the hate come from? 

It’s in me and you say it’s not in you but you told me

you hate me

and I took it like a pill and I felt nothing when it passed my ears, entered my eyes 

and swam into my heart. I swallow abuse like water 

it keeps me alive because the pain isn’t all that bad 

it’s the only feeling I have left except desperation

but I tell myself to hold it in, my volcano soul can take more 

I won’t erupt and even if I do, I’ll take myself out. 

Nobody will care when I’m gone 

like I said

they’ll walk on my soil one day with pumped up kicks. 

All of them dressed so well, I’m not like them!

I can’t think like them and I wish someone would put a bullet in my brain

because I feel alone, I wish my mother never had me 

because it’s been all about money, all the arguments

and all the blood spilled on the glass floors and our bloodied sheets  

and my blood is ice now, and you laugh at me but I can’t tell

if you’re laughing at me or with me

and if you’re at me, the whole world is at me too. 

I’m with all the kids who had & have to jump through the hurdles

that I did too 

the people around me saw the knife at my throat 

but they pretended to help

and I saw through their fake show 

I wish you never performed it to me.

After the sub-par show I used to walk home

walking alone with the stray cats howling like werewolves

and I looked at the twilight and it was golden blue 

so I put Lana on, who I don’t listen to anymore,

and she said it was golden blue and I understood what that meant.

I thought God was being kind to me 

because people’s faces are cruel and I see the evil behind their front.

I don’t trust them 

but the skies have comforted me

the birds don’t have to worry about the petty affairs of humans.

The trauma is now fully complete and I walk around with it 

it’s my second skin.

At night I read the Bible and its words nourish my soul

and Ecclesiastes is my favourite

when the wisest man said it’s all meaningless at the end 

I didn’t mind how much I missed out on.

Live my own life?

That just means fighting against time.

Even if I excel brother

nobody will remember my name anyway. 

So then why do we put on the show?

We live to forget

we die with regret.

After my daily portion, I have to leave and go out into the world.

The door to life is the beginning of a nightmare. 

Don’t get it twisted

my intelligence is nothing, I’m a fool without God.

I’m a sage and a fool at the same time,

yes, I have my moments. 

I make myself dumb because I don’t want people to think I’m more than this.

Things like that bring the evil eye 

and only one is enough to bring you down.

I don’t need that when my own mind is against me.

I’d rather carry my soul and die 

than be dragged down to hell because of my boasts.

I’m nothing, I’ll tell this to my daughter 

I hope if I ever had a child that she will be understanding 

I don’t want her to be radiant and beautiful

if her heart is dim

and I don’t want your pockets to be filled 

if she’s devoid of a soul.

I want her to have the life I could’ve had 

if the hurdles didn’t stumble and cripple me.

If they didn’t make me bitter and judge me

on every mistake.

I said I’d give myself up to save a life 

it’s my moral obligation.

We few who understand the levels of loneliness

owe it to those who can’t find someone

who thinks like they do, like we do.

I spent so long searching for someone who held the thoughts that I did 

it took so long then because I wouldn’t give up or compromise

and soil myself in the sinful web of the world. 

I’m still searching,

I haven’t found anyone yet but I fantasise.

I dream about that person with my philosophy 

but maybe they have all passed me by.

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