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themeekarestillhere

Pride brings a person low, but the lowly in spirit gain honour. Proverbs 29:23

Month

November 2016

November’s Goodbye

Why are you so full of laughter and smiles, I cannot muster anything but a tear when I am surrounded in your ring of happiness and joy.

I find myself too overwhelmed, choking on the sensations that I hardly ever feel in the alone hours of the night, where I am like a bird flying away into the night.

But others have so easily adjusted to your warm nature, I sit on the seat ashamed, they tell me, that what I do is not enough but I tell them, I cannot do no more.

I’d rather be left alone, but only to watch you being happy, only to see your smile, your fleeting gaze running along each and every person, almost fully trained on me, a sparkle in your eyes.

You’ll never understand the pleasure of this weight that has been embedded into my heart, while you sit there across from me mesmerised.

I would rather spend my days wandering the street, the nights observing souls under the night sky, or be drowned in the deluge of relief the November nights can offer me.

You’ll never be the comfort I need, that hurts the most to say, to write. But I won’t expose your bitterness, you were the one who condemned to such punishment.

November’s soft rains will wash me through, as the stifling heats of December are made anew, the blistering heat parched the waterlilies on the ponds.

So I too, am like these waterlilies, November revived me, restored me, but December will burn me with its unforgiving fire hotter than lava in the volcano. Withering away into petals…

-themeekarestillhere

Disaster

Disaster

These wavering shadows drifting across the floor,

Make me wonder of all the chaotic things I could do,

I could cause a disaster, a scandal , a horror, a mystery you’d never solve,

But instead my eyes remain focussed on the shadows,

You’d never know what my disastrous mind just thought,

Dancing along the concrete slabs,

Are the shadows.

The one thing I don’t know is that something unexpected could very well happen,

Any moment when you’re not watching.

-themeekarestillhere

Where I Was Made

Where I Was Made

I didn’t want to leave Roxy this morning,

And I didn’t want to be at home,

Instead, at seven in the morning,

All I wanted was to prowl the streets,

My many selfs had walked, hundreds of times.

However, I had obligations and places that demanded me,

And so, reluctantly, with a heavy heart that I don’t understand even now,

I entered the train that would take me on the long journey.

Everyone looked so deadbeat, like life had been drained from them.

For once, I didn’t want to run away from the place where I was made.

A man and a woman sat in front of me, students with their burly bags hovered clinging onto the handles and bars of the train.

And I just sat, patiently, trying to drown my sadness in a journey, sad that I couldn’t be on the adventure I had abruptly stopped.

If this ever becomes my life, with tears in my eyes, I won’t forget what was once the girl who stared out the car window.

And if everything crumbles, I’ll accept it with a shattered heart, a trembling voice and salty tears.

-themeekarestillhere

Competing

I didn’t really know how much the world was competing until I was plunged into its system. I knew that the media was lying to us, but I didn’t know the extent of their deceit, let alone their potency. But I never wanted to be the competitor, I never wanted in on the competition. It’s a dangerous competition; so unfair and I’m easily the one who is left behind. My parents told me to be as competitive as I am within the walls of the house, it was never a goal it was just to be. But I could never be that. I will always be a nomad, who finds refuge in one place but falls in love with a new place. Before, I knew the world, I had a home. And now, that home exists as a shadow in my mind. It’s no longer tangible, and that’s what hurts the most. Being felt by something greater than your little dreams.

-themeekarestillhere

Opposite

Exams are finally here. Before I came to a smart school, they were something that I could look forward to. I’ve been ignoring the fact, my whole life, but it’s become really evident now how opposite I can be in a place. It’s in my nature to be the opposite person, the one who’s looking in the other direction. The one who doesn’t care for the things that you want. Don’t mistake me for someone who disregards everyone around me, I’m actually very opposite to that notion too. In fact, the reason why I choose, sometimes unknowingly, to be different is based on the observations of people around me. I calculate the atmosphere and my place in it. I look at the people and analyse their words, tone, attire, body language and kind of arrive at some assumption. I guess, being a loner since well ever, made me develop strange hobbies. Over time, I’ve tried to adjust to world around me. Try to reason with the people around me. At the beginning, it was hopeless so I looked in different areas. I discovered new ways. However, it has always been very important to me to not deny that strange, almost dark side of me that’s been a part of me since the beginning. In many ways that are so hard to explain, it has helped me. I’m sure those who read this with understanding intentions can almost relate to the type of person I am. See, I kind of want to be part of the world, but in retrospect it makes me feel defeated if I think that I’m just another person. I guess, my views are radical. In fact, my inner self is very bold in restricting me from being a ‘part of the big world’, for reasons that are somewhat clouded by hurt and despair. With the upcoming exams, I feel like I need to adjust to the exam mood: the sufficient amount of stress that teachers tell us will help us get through, successfully, and hours of studying and revising. It is alarming for me to write that I do not care for these things. I respect education, but I read a quote recently from Mark Twain that I felt strongly I understood:

“I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.”

One day, and maybe that one day will never be in my school life, I know that I’ll have uncovered something that no school could’ve taught me. I’ll be happy that I was different and that I stayed true to myself, to the max and not just to a limit that everyone could tolerate. I’ll be glad I was not just an object of approval, a number, a grade, just a name. I’ll be more in my eyes, in their eyes, in God’s eyes. All the things that I laughed at when I was a child, things that were jokes are now becoming reality to me. Life really is a journey and it is never going to be easy. We cannot do it alone, the only reason why I can write this post is because I know God is looking down on me, I know He loves me and that’s all I need. That is all I need to help me get through this amazing journey that we call life. But really, it is God’s gift…that’s something I discovered too.

-themeekarestillhere

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