I’ve been talking or referring frequently about childhood in many of my posts over the last few months. Childhood is something important to me because I strongly feel that it was the only period in my life that was not corrupted by hypocrisy from people which resulted in unhappiness and sorrow. Like everyone, I went through many unhappy seasons in my life which have impacted me greatly. Even then, I learnt to keep these things to myself because somehow I kind of anticipated an imminent breakthrough in my life where I’d be free. I didn’t really know what that word meant to me, free, but I understood at the time that it was a state of peace and pure joy at least. My dreams were short-lived because they were materialistic. School was hard, the students were hard to me, I was generally the happy student who never meant anyone harm nor was I inviting it. I just wanted to be myself but no-one wanted me. Slowly and slowly, I learned not to embrace the ‘real me’. Today, I loathe hypocrisy but it’s a dangerous thing to express, especially when society is so full of it. When we live in a commercialised world where making a profit is our number one priority, half-heartedness and artificiality thrive. Sometimes when I’m alone and thinking about the world around me, I wonder who I would have become if I wasn’t who I was now. And often, it has been on my mind, if I could talk to my younger self as if I were normally talking to someone now, what would I see in me and my younger self. Would I be disappointed? I’m afraid that the answer will be yes, and as much as I’d like for that to change, it just can’t. However, if this is in any way positive, this is sometimes a little bit beautiful if you think deep enough. Don’t think hard enough, think deep enough…Oh, what would I give to be blessed with beautiful thoughts all my life long?
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