The holidays marks the end to another term and distances us from the next term. It’s an endless cycle of term to holiday, where we are required to use the time we have to relax and try to forget about everything that just happened or something like that. Strangely, and it has been a big part of my life, I’ve found letting go of the past such a struggle. Happy moments in my life were always so scarce, so I spent many of my days attempting to make these happy moments. Unfortunately, whatever I did seemed to leave me unsatisfied. When happy things just came naturally, I was sure that someone above was watching me, someone who loved me…
Today I find myself in the same position; trying to relive happiness when its flame has already burned out.
I am just a teenager, a girl, with no hopes, no aspirations. I am a ghost who dreams about a future that can never be, a fantasy or dark paradises that become obsessions. Days and days do I dream over it, till I get sick of it. And while I let it go for a while, I often find myself coming back to it, coming back to the old friends that I made in my mind.
If I could stand next to my five year old self, I’d cry. I’d cry because I’ve lost so much of my raw self, I’d see the innocence in my eyes and how it has been cruelly destroyed by evil words uttered by merciless monsters. I won’t lie, I’ve changed a lot but I’m clever in ways I never anticipated nor had I come to know. At a young age, I see the world and try to understand what they want me to be, yet however, though the task seems simple I cannot fully digest it. I’m afraid how much more I’ll change with the years to come. It’s a strange thing, life.
However, I know that eventually life will pass as it does and that decisions will have to be made. And whatever decisions I make, I pray to God that I’ll do it not for myself, for Him, for the good of the world.
Let my intentions be pure, let them glorify Your Name. I know that I have no idea what I say or think sometimes, but I know this: I know that you’ve given me a beautiful life and much that I possess now, I do not deserve. You pick me up when I am down and you dry my tears, you give meaning to my life and you understand my fears. You understand why I am so sad and when I come down on my knees to ask for your help, the burden is lifted off of me. I pray that in all my future endeavours, I will praise Your Name, glorify your deeds and look to You for everything.”